I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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