I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
