Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
