so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
