FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
