his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
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