what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
