OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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