So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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