Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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