My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
