i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
