I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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