My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
