made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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