i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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