awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
