i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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