You made me cry and you don't even care
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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