Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
