I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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