Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
