Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
