My first STD was from a foam party
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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