i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
