Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
