Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
