So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
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