so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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