Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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