YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
