she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
