Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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