I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Is it because I queefed?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
