I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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