Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
