I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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