So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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