Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
