I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
