I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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