They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
