I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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