1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
