just tell him i said nine months
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
