So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
