Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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