i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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