don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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