So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
