i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
