My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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