he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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